Monday, February 27, 2012

Details, details...

Sorry, it's been a while. These are personal details on what we're going through right now. I have a hard time talking about it sometimes, and so it seems easier to write it all down...for you, for me. There's no direction, no purpose...I'm just getting it all out.

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I don't really know what to say. I'm still waiting for closure on losing this second baby. The doctors are saying we've lost the baby, but the pregnancy is continuing (2 weeks now since they first broke the news to us on Valentine's Day), and not really progressing like it should. All they know - and all we know - is that this isn't normal. I've had to go to the doctor several times to get poked and prodded in all sorts of places, and we still don't have an answer on the final outcome. Every time I go in they tell me I've lost the baby, but they can't be completely sure until my body shows that it's getting back to normal.


I don't know what to think. I thought that I had already miscarried. Turns out I might not have. Yet. Maybe. But they don't really know...There's no hope here. Just confusion. And waiting.


As frustrating as this is, what's really frustrating is that when (maybe if?) I do miscarry (again/for real this time), then we have to wait two cycles to start trying again. This could take the whole year. I'm serious. Because that's the problem...Have I told you before? I have these nice little cysts on my ovaries that the doctors like to refer to as a "string of pearls," and they keep me from ovulating. 

And heeeere's the rant (don't judge me!)...I can't keep taking the medication that makes me ovulate, because you're not supposed to take it for longer than 6 months at a time, due to the side effects that wreak havoc on your body and mind. Me...I've already been taking it for well over a year, month after month. Hence, my sanity has been in serious decline, as you might have noticed.

And, hence, we were already making plans to go off the medication and to adopt...Maybe not so much for the sake of my sanity...Do you know how incredibly stressful the adoption process can be...?...!!!...Nervous laugh...The other alternative is to try going on birth control for 6 months. I've tried this before and it didn't really work. Plus, the obvious consequence is that you can't get pregnant while you're on birth control. Great news for some. Not for us. Sigh. Oh yeah, and it looks like I'll also have to go back on the other medication that makes me lose my appetite. I'm really going to miss enjoying food.

Actually, I've gone rogue and haven't gotten back on the medication yet like my doctor told me to a couple of weeks ago. This isn't like me, but if I'm going to be stressed out like this, I'm going to at least enjoy eating for a few more days!


Oh, I feel ridiculous. And stressed. I swore I wouldn't rant like this, but I'm just so...done...with...this. Just let me be devastated. Just let me grieve and try to move on.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Jenny, I love you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now!

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  2. Jennifer...darling I feel tour pain as far as it takibg forever to get prego...me and my hubby have been trying for what feels like a decadr (3-4years) and with nothing not even a misscarriage and at this point I just want to be pregnant just to know we can...it has been nothing cycle regular every dern month like we aren't even trying for a baby....ahhhhhh sometimes I want to scream, and the problem that makes it even worse is we dont have the money nor insurance to figure out what the problem is and why this has tested our faith so hard...and I dont understand why they make it so dagum hard to adopt and why the process is so time consuming....all is just seems to set us up for failure and defeat...I find my self asking why me or us or our friends why is it so easy for people who dont need or deserve kids its sooooo easy...it just makes you feel like your faith is slippibg off ....so I understand parts of your sadness maybe not really all the way but I know how awful feeling it is every month to be reminded by your flow thatyour dream has been defeated again by the devil of red...I pray for you and that things will just do what they are going to do so you can begin the journey again in hopes of sucess, dobt loose faith it will happen and I know you will be wonderful mom and some day we both will have kids no matter how and we will be great!!! Im here if you need to talk cause I sharebsome of your pain...other than that just remeber your great!!!

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  3. I'm so sorry, Jen. My first pregnancy/miscarriage was strange, too. The baby stopped growing at 4/5 weeks, but I didn't know until 8 weeks, and never actually miscarried until 12 weeks. 1 Nephi 11:17 -- I don't understand all things, but I do know that God loves you, and I know that you will be blessed for your faithfulness in your trials. I wish I were there to help you through them. You are a great example for so many people and the children that will come to you and Ben (be it through medical help, adoption, or both), will surely be blessed children.

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  4. Let me know if you want to go get a hot chocolate sometime and vent. Seriously. Fertility treatments drove me to the edge of my sanity. My doctor forced menopause on me. It was supposed to last 6 months and it lasted for 9. Not being able to try for those 3 months was so hard. So many people say, "Three months? What's the big deal?" That is FOREVER in infertility time. :) It was the issue of my sanity and all the hormonal side affects that really spurred us on to adoption. But also personal revelation. Without that, I am sure I would still be wondering, second-guessing my choices, and manipulating my ill-functioning body. Aside from the fact that I have never experienced a miscarriage, so much of this post could come out of my journal. My heart hurts for you! Such a horrible place to be. Call me if you want to chat! {{{Hugs}}}

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  5. Jenny, I haven't talked to you in years. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and I know how you feel. We have been trying to get pregnant since June 2009. Every time I go to the doctor they tell me to keep trying for another few months and then come back. Its so hard to keep the faith when being a mom is the only thing you want in life. I am even being given the chance to get my vet tech license which is a lifelong goal. Yet, I struggle to be happy because I want to be a mom so bad. The one thing that keeps me going is my patriarchal blessing promises children. I too can't afford to go to any more doctors or adoption right now. HUGS!!!

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  6. Hugs. I have been there and nothing I can say will make it better. Be devastated for awhile, you deserve it. I'll keep you guys in my prayers!

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  7. Jenny, my heart hurts for you, it truly does! I can only imagine what it must be like to go through all of this, and I am so impressed with how well you seem to be coping with it. You have every right to be devastated and to let off some steam, I would have done that LONG ago! My prayers are with you and I know one day, somehow, you WILL be a wonderful mother! Hang in there and know that so many people care for you!

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  8. Oh, sweet Jenny,
    You can grieve. You can take that time. I see so much strength in you... I always have, and you seem to always be closer to Ben and to the Lord because of your experiences. I don't know what to say all the time, and my experiences don't make yours lighter, but I know the pains from wondering if you'll get your chance to be a mother. I love you both and hope the best for you. What I do know is Heavenly Father has a method of compensation, and He makes provisions for us when we are hurting. Did you know the chemical makeup of tears of great emotion are different than those of merely keeping dust out of our eyes? And there's a reason for that... They release toxins from our body.. I invite you to read http://opticalvisionresources.com/tear-chemistry-and-eye-health... I was going to copy and paste it but it's really long. I hope it helps. I'm thinking about you a lot. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

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  9. My heart aches for you, sweet Jennifer.

    Grandpa J.

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  10. Oh Jenny! I somehow missed this post and I am hurting for you and Ben. I wish there was something I could do for you! But I feel helpless! Know that we are praying for you.

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