Monday, February 27, 2012

Details, details...

Sorry, it's been a while. These are personal details on what we're going through right now. I have a hard time talking about it sometimes, and so it seems easier to write it all down...for you, for me. There's no direction, no purpose...I'm just getting it all out.

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I don't really know what to say. I'm still waiting for closure on losing this second baby. The doctors are saying we've lost the baby, but the pregnancy is continuing (2 weeks now since they first broke the news to us on Valentine's Day), and not really progressing like it should. All they know - and all we know - is that this isn't normal. I've had to go to the doctor several times to get poked and prodded in all sorts of places, and we still don't have an answer on the final outcome. Every time I go in they tell me I've lost the baby, but they can't be completely sure until my body shows that it's getting back to normal.

I don't know what to think. I thought that I had already miscarried. Turns out I might not have. Yet. Maybe. But they don't really know...There's no hope here. Just confusion. And waiting.

As frustrating as this is, what's really frustrating is that when (maybe if?) I do miscarry (again/for real this time), then we have to wait two cycles to start trying again. This could take the whole year. I'm serious. Because that's the problem...Have I told you before? I have these nice little cysts on my ovaries that the doctors like to refer to as a "string of pearls," and they keep me from ovulating. 

And heeeere's the rant (don't judge me!)...I can't keep taking the medication that makes me ovulate, because you're not supposed to take it for longer than 6 months at a time, due to the side effects that wreak havoc on your body and mind. Me...I've already been taking it for well over a year, month after month. Hence, my sanity has been in serious decline, as you might have noticed.

And, hence, we were already making plans to go off the medication and to adopt...Maybe not so much for the sake of my sanity...Do you know how incredibly stressful the adoption process can be...?...!!!...Nervous laugh...The other alternative is to try going on birth control for 6 months. I've tried this before and it didn't really work. Plus, the obvious consequence is that you can't get pregnant while you're on birth control. Great news for some. Not for us. Sigh. Oh yeah, and it looks like I'll also have to go back on the other medication that makes me lose my appetite. I'm really going to miss enjoying food.

Actually, I've gone rogue and haven't gotten back on the medication yet like my doctor told me to a couple of weeks ago. This isn't like me, but if I'm going to be stressed out like this, I'm going to at least enjoy eating for a few more days!

Oh, I feel ridiculous. And stressed. I swore I wouldn't rant like this, but I'm just so...done...with...this. Just let me be devastated. Just let me grieve and try to move on.